sorry everyone, for being away for so long. but i've been knee-deep (ha ha, no knees!) in some big new truths i've uncovered in my latest research:
COWS ARE BAD FOR EVERYONE
although i've heard they are tasty to eat (i prefer venison myself, and you should too--you'll find out in a minute why), the more you eat of them, the more you have to grow so there will be more to eat. see, it's a vicious cycle. and having more cows are bad because of two things:
1. cow burps:
and 2. cow farts:
both of these phenomena release methane gas. and methane gas is bad because it is hotter than regular air. and having hot gas in the air will melt all of the icebergs in the arctic ocean, and that means there will be tidal waves when the oceans cover the land. and i know some people who don't know how to swim (although i do, so if i like you, i will try and save you).
anyways, we should stop having cows and stick with sheep. and/or venison.
i had just finished writing up a great article about it, but then the new york times published theirs first, so i thought, why bother? at any rate, the synopsis is:
* bees were disappearing
* scientists asked, "how come?"
* rich people gave scientists money to figure it out, because we like honey
* it was hard to figure out because dying bees fly away
---meanwhile---
* the army was studying immune systems
* the brother of a bee scientist met an army immune scientist
* the bee scientist talked to the army scientist
* the army scientist smashed dead bees to find out what was inside
* they found viruses and funguses (or viri and fungi)
* (virus + fungus) = colony collapse
OR
colony collapse = (virus + fungus)
in case you don't know what a monograph is, you can look it up on wikipedia. that's what this is, a monograph on the CASE of the PIGEON-NAPPERS.
everyone's been talking about pigeons, lately. or, rather, about the mysterious men in white who are so interested in the pigeons. sometimes, they come in groups to bird-nap. other times, it's a single man, surreptitiously napping a bird when he thinks no one is looking.
i don't want to give anything away. but i think i am onto something really big. an international ring of pigeon-nappers. it's like a james bond movie but with nets instead of guns, and fat guys in white tee shirts instead of skinny guys in black suits, and pigeons instead of anything else. yeah.
