cows are the enemy

sorry everyone, for being away for so long. but i've been knee-deep (ha ha, no knees!) in some big new truths i've uncovered in my latest research:

COWS ARE BAD FOR EVERYONE

although i've heard they are tasty to eat (i prefer venison myself, and you should too--you'll find out in a minute why), the more you eat of them, the more you have to grow so there will be more to eat.  see, it's a vicious cycle. and having more cows are bad because of two things:

1. cow burps:

and 2.  cow farts:

both of these phenomena release methane gas. and methane gas is bad because it is hotter than regular air. and having hot gas in the air will melt all of the icebergs in the arctic ocean, and that means there will be tidal waves when the oceans cover the land. and i know some people who don't know how to swim (although i do, so if i like you, i will try and save you).

anyways, we should stop having cows and stick with sheep. and/or venison.

whoa, I've been mp-napped!

i don't remember falling asleep, but all of the sudden, i woke up and am somewhere completely different. 

i had dreams of big motors and stale air and then a small motor and a shower. 

hmm.  i will have to investigate (which is great because it is what I do best).

I'll also look for pigeons.

mp, over-and-out

there's a fungus among us

and it's killing the bees!

i had just finished writing up a great article about it, but then the new york times published theirs first, so i thought, why bother?  at any rate, the synopsis is:
     *  bees were disappearing
     *  scientists asked, "how come?"
     *  rich people gave scientists money to figure it out, because we like honey
     *  it was hard to figure out because dying bees fly away
     ---meanwhile---
     *  the army was studying immune systems
     *  the brother of a bee scientist met an army immune scientist
     *  the bee scientist talked to the army scientist
     *  the army scientist smashed dead bees to find out what was inside
     *  they found viruses and funguses (or viri and fungi)
     *  (virus + fungus) = colony collapse
                      OR
          colony collapse = (virus + fungus)

now what are all those researchers going to do with their time?  

yeah.

pigeon monograph

in case you don't know what a monograph is, you can look it up on wikipedia. that's what this is, a monograph on the CASE of the PIGEON-NAPPERS.

everyone's been talking about pigeons, lately.  or, rather, about the mysterious men in white who are so interested in the pigeons.  sometimes, they come in groups to bird-nap.  other times, it's a single man, surreptitiously napping a bird when he thinks no one is looking. 

i don't want to give anything away. but i think i am onto something really big. an international ring of pigeon-nappers. it's like a james bond movie but with nets instead of guns, and fat guys in white tee shirts instead of skinny guys in black suits, and pigeons instead of anything else.  yeah.

yeah.  

happy birthday to ME

hmmf. 

the chimp looks really happy.  he probably got a birthday box in the mail, too.

the big guy likes hats

this guy knows something

you can tell by his voice.

one of the good ones

so, as i'm sitting in class today, i realized that there are two kinds of conspiracy researchers: good ones and bad ones. 

good ones find out the truth.  and they share it with you. and the truth makes everyone happy, because now you know something true that you didn't know before. good ones also are very good looking, and smell good, and have soft, smooth skin.

 bad ones just say crazy things.  and mostly crazy things they didn't even think of by themselves! they say things to make themselves feel important, not to help the world, even if they say that's why they're doing it. they won't listen to people who tell them the real truth, because crazy-truth is always more "interesting". they always look like this, even if it is on the inside, and not the outside:

anyways, i just wanted you to know i'm one of the good ones. duh.

pigeons: friend or foe?

this is a question i've been investigating for a loooong, loooong time. the problem is, you can't ever tell.  one day, they're your friends. and then the next day, they aren't. 

for example, look at this picture: 

is the pigeon on the left giving the other pigeon a kiss on the cheek?  or is he trying to attack the pigeon's jugular? it's hard to tell, right? 


                         just like a pigeon.




yesterday, i saw a pigeon. it was sitting on a ledge right above bp's head. of course bp didn't see it because he doesn't notice things like that (he's not a SPECIAL RESEARCHER like me). i almost didn't see it either, but i snuck out a little to look (don't tell bp) and saw the pigeon. then i pretended i had to pee so bp would move and he did, just in time.  but not before i took a picture of the pigeon:

see what i mean? 

breaking news: stink bugs stink

one of my newest research projects is uncovering the truth about stink bugs:
     -  where did they come from?
     -  what do they want?
     -  why do they look so weird? 
     -  what makes them stink? 

the first time i saw one: 

i had no idea what it was. it looked like a space invader.

but! i am a researcher, and researchers find out the truth: stink bug.

they are everywhere.  even the new york times says so (and the new york times almost never lies, so you know it's probably the truth).

anyways, i don't know where they came from, but i now they are here.  how long are they staying?  there are lots more truths to uncover. 

doing stuff

today i'm going to find out some BIG TRUTHS. 

but first i have to wait for the big guy to wake up. 

jeez, i spend most of my life waiting for that guy. 

maybe i'll take a nap while i wait.

I think there is a conspiracy out there!

i'm not sure what it is, but if there is something i'm good at, it's discovering conspiracies.

here's how you know there is a conspiracy:

1. do you hear people talking but when you come out they stop? that means it's a secret.  and secrets usually mean conspiracies.

2.  do you ever have a question, and then you ask someone for the answer, and they look at you funny and say, "why do you want to know?" instead of telling you? then it's probably a conspiracy, because they don't want you to find something out.

3.  if you saw it on television, but no one else did, it might be a conspiracy.

4.  if you read about it in a book about conspiracies, then it's probably a conspiracy, because most authors have to do a lot of research and become experts on the stuff they write about.

5.  if you read it on the internet, like this, then it's probably a conspiracy too.  we are experts.